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Reel Critic:
'Pirates' is slow to start but still fun
Everyone is seeing "Pirates of the Caribbean." Everyone. I probably couldn't say anything to discourage you from joining the throngs, so may I suggest you go late?
To do so, you'd need to wait until the weekend crowds thin out or catch a matinee so you can snag a seat on the aisle. Or you could scope out a seat and go back for your popcorn and Coke after your first yawn. If you choose the latter, however, don't tell those you must disturb it was my idea.
Maybe you'll think of a better method, but trust me, little happens for the first 38 minutes of this film. I have a new digital watch with a button that lets the face light up in the dark. It was exactly 38 minutes before I wasn't sorry I'd promised to write this review.
This is what you get in those first minutes. Slick, costumey but disconnected scenes. Gratuitous violence, like the hanging of a young pirate boy who never appears in the movie again. None of the humor from the Disney ride that spawned the film. Very little of the gorgeous Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom.
When the real stuff starts to happen, you'll get a big dose of the kitsch you came for — Niagara-size waterfalls, maelstroms that make your childhood nightmares seem tame, and full-blown ice storms designed to make the ones in "Dr. Zhivago" seem uninspired. You'll also get witchcraft and imaginative villains.
Mind you, I'm not saying that there aren't some disconnects after that magical 38-minute line. The story may be thin and a bit repetitious (this is a trilogy, after all). Naomie Harris is deliciously creepy and sexy as Calypso, but often is impossible to understand; and that's true of the some of the Brits roaming about in triangular hats, too.
The child sitting in front of me kept asking his mother what made the compass that got passed from hand to hand magic. She shushed him, I suspect because she didn't know and I couldn't have done any better in 25 words or less. But pure imagination and a lot of action guarantee that you will stop wondering if it is too late to get a refund.
Knightley is luminescent, a real action kind of gal who becomes king (not queen) of the pirates — a nice role model for young girls who need an occasional adventurer to emulate. There is a wedding scene that screenwriters will seek to surpass for originality now and ever after. Hans Zimmer's soundtrack should become as recognizable as the one from "Star Wars." And Depp hasn't lost one ounce of his flittiness.
Another good reason to see this movie: It is spawning talk, albums, games, toys and even improbable books like "Guide to Pirate Parenting." Some movies are more than art or entertainment. They're a cultural force. May this force — the one that keeps you wanting more silliness, more diversion, more fun — be with you.
CAROLYN HOWARD-JOHNSON is a novelist and poet living in Glendale. She has been a fan of Pirates of the Caribbean since it came ashore at Disneyland.
To do so, you'd need to wait until the weekend crowds thin out or catch a matinee so you can snag a seat on the aisle. Or you could scope out a seat and go back for your popcorn and Coke after your first yawn. If you choose the latter, however, don't tell those you must disturb it was my idea.
Maybe you'll think of a better method, but trust me, little happens for the first 38 minutes of this film. I have a new digital watch with a button that lets the face light up in the dark. It was exactly 38 minutes before I wasn't sorry I'd promised to write this review.
This is what you get in those first minutes. Slick, costumey but disconnected scenes. Gratuitous violence, like the hanging of a young pirate boy who never appears in the movie again. None of the humor from the Disney ride that spawned the film. Very little of the gorgeous Johnny Depp, Keira Knightley and Orlando Bloom.
When the real stuff starts to happen, you'll get a big dose of the kitsch you came for — Niagara-size waterfalls, maelstroms that make your childhood nightmares seem tame, and full-blown ice storms designed to make the ones in "Dr. Zhivago" seem uninspired. You'll also get witchcraft and imaginative villains.
Mind you, I'm not saying that there aren't some disconnects after that magical 38-minute line. The story may be thin and a bit repetitious (this is a trilogy, after all). Naomie Harris is deliciously creepy and sexy as Calypso, but often is impossible to understand; and that's true of the some of the Brits roaming about in triangular hats, too.
The child sitting in front of me kept asking his mother what made the compass that got passed from hand to hand magic. She shushed him, I suspect because she didn't know and I couldn't have done any better in 25 words or less. But pure imagination and a lot of action guarantee that you will stop wondering if it is too late to get a refund.
Knightley is luminescent, a real action kind of gal who becomes king (not queen) of the pirates — a nice role model for young girls who need an occasional adventurer to emulate. There is a wedding scene that screenwriters will seek to surpass for originality now and ever after. Hans Zimmer's soundtrack should become as recognizable as the one from "Star Wars." And Depp hasn't lost one ounce of his flittiness.
Another good reason to see this movie: It is spawning talk, albums, games, toys and even improbable books like "Guide to Pirate Parenting." Some movies are more than art or entertainment. They're a cultural force. May this force — the one that keeps you wanting more silliness, more diversion, more fun — be with you.
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